Life is a great big...

I don't know. It seems lately that with all the overwhelming stuff going on in my life that I'm just going to bust.

I could lie down and die and be perfectly happy right now because I wouldn't miss the stress and the mess that is life for me. There have been times in the past when I have felt that way simply because I was so happy and so content that I felt that I could die and be at peace because of the great peace that I felt. This is not one of those times. This is a time of considered (and rejected) suicide (rejected because it is a selfish route and I believe that life holds a promise of some few worthwhile experiences still yet). It's funny how many times a person (namely me) can think that he or she has hit his or her all-time low, yet the next day brings a lower cut and then another even lower than that. Another funny (not humorous-funny, but ironic-funny) observation I have made is that when the low comes and the first wave of nausea has installed itself firmly in your gut, you can get up and keep on functioning and before you know it you are talking and laughing despite the underlying threat of the-fear-of-the-unknown.

I would just like to stand here and say that when life has essentially swept you off your feet and turned you on your head, that it is possible to walk on your hands.

I would also like to say that friends and family are essential to the mind's retention of sanity during this time of increased stress. My family has been the impetus to be strong and not fail and my friends have been a surprising blessing, giving me a hand and an ear.

Through it all I try not to cry in front of anyone but God. I can't stand having anyone else see me fall, because then they are forced to carry the burden of my pain plus whatever hurts and stresses they are feeling already. I prefer to be strong and dry eyed, then cry later on my own with God.

Through all this the only real thing that has saved my life is the total trust that I have in God. If I for once thought that He didn't care or that He didn't exist, I would have to just curl up and disappear. I cannot live without His comfort and without the knowledge that He won't give me more than I can handle. *sigh*

I am going to stop before I start preaching because if there's anything I dislike more than sauerkraut, it's preaching.

That is all. Thank you and goodnight.

Christine